Road Blocks, Rocks and Rivers

They say when faced with many challenges, the ones that prevail come out stronger. I am not so sure how much stronger I can be. At this point, I should be Ms. Universe of Strength, if that’s a thing!

It has been only about a month and a half, but it feels like a very long time since I’ve been out of work. At first, I figured I’d give myself the time to grieve, re-evaluate, and decide what my next steps would be career-wise. In addition, I was preparing to have surgery for my hip the end of April, so the timing was actually ok.

Then I encountered another road block – my surgery was canceled. The reason? I had gained 30 pounds since my consultation (less than a year prior) and the doctor would not perform the surgery.

Needless to say I was devastated. I knew I had gained some weight, but the amount I gained was astonishing. I was so angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I walked out of the office building and hurled my handbag towards the car in a rage. WTF??? How could this be?? How could I allow myself to get to this point? I have been in a lot of pain and it has only gotten worse. I am unable to sustain long periods of standing and walking is difficult. The arthritis that has caused the deterioration in my hip is pretty bad. I need the surgery!!!

Did anyone say WAKE UP CALL? I won’t say I’m completely depressed because I keep trying every day to make good choices. Yet, I am not super happy with how things are progressing, either. Ever since I received the news about the surgery, I have changed my eating habits. There are so many combination of things I have to think about to ensure I make right choices each time. I’ve spent hours looking online looking for healthy recipes that I think will work for me. So far, I’ve been doing this on my own, with no outside support from sources like professional weight loss programs.

The weight is not coming off fast enough for me. It’s a slow progress. I have probably lost about 4 pounds total in a month. Some would say that’s great. But for me, it’s not good enough. The physical limitations are affecting me even more. Now that the weather is nice, I could go outside and walk, but right now, it’s nearly impossible without pain. The most I can do is probably just do an upper body workout, which I have just come to realize will be my only way out of this dread of feeling physically useless.

And if not to add more salt to my open wounds, I am also managing my parental duties to my kids, especially my younger son, who has struggled with anxiety and depression most of his adolescent life. I spend a lot of time taking care of his needs. I don’t want to disclose too much here, but he is battling things I am not familiar with and so I leave it to the professionals to help him. I’m just there for him to love and support him as much as possible. It’s not easy because as a parent, I feel helpless. Thank goodness, though, I have found good providers.

My older son is a junior in high school and I’ve been trying to guide him, along with a tutor, to prepare for life after high school. He wants to go to college and study physical therapy or something in the health sciences. However, he has his own challenges with grades and extracurricular activities that colleges look for when considering a student for admission. As a mom, I worry about his future and that brings a whole different set of frustrations to the mix. Additionally, there are other things like elderly parents to worry about, my 20+ year marriage to maintain and just working on keeping my mind sane! HA!!

All of these road blocks/obstacles, are certainly difficult and could potentially be paralyzing. Every day I wake up hoping for something to change. But change doesn’t just happen on its own. We have to pave our pathways around those road blocks to find a new road to travel. Sure, what is ahead of us is unknown and can be very scary. But if we don’t make our own way, we’re stuck behind that obstacle holding us back.

My therapist told me of this metaphor in nature about a rock in a river…the water makes its way around it to continue moving forward. The water doesn’t stop flowing just because it ran into a rock. And it certainly doesn’t go backwards, either.

Neither should we. No matter how many obstructions get in our way, we have to keep moving or else we are stuck in our own misery. I don’t want to be stuck. I want to keep moving. I want to find my clear path of success…even if it will take longer than I hope.

As a famous musician once wrote and sang,

We all end in the ocean
We all start in the streams
We’re all carried along
By the river of dreams

-Billy Joel